The number of lawyers employed by the US Federal government has grown rapidly over the years and appears to be continuing to increase. Between 1954 and 1970, the number of self-employed lawyers in the U.S. increased by 19% while the number of lawyers in the Federal government increased by 108% and the number employed by state government increased by 167%.
Richard L. Abel
Late
yesterday, a friend of mine living in Canada (Twitter: @melbourne2north), sent
me this email, I had so much laughter reading it over and over, I felt compelled to share.
The
following are quotes from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’ and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place. Read
& enjoy:
ATTORNEY:
Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:
No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:
Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY:
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:
I forget.
ATTORNEY:
You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:
He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:
And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:
My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:
We both do.
ATTORNEY:
Voodoo?
WITNESS:
We do.
ATTORNEY:
You do?
WITNESS:
Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:
Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:
Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:
Are you shittin' me?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY:
And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:
Uh... I was getting laid.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY:
How many were boys?
WITNESS:
None.
ATTORNEY:
Were there any girls?
WITNESS:
Are you for real? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can
I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:
By death.
ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:
Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:
He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:
Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:
Guess.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:
No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS:
All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:
Oral.
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:
The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:
And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:
No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:
Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________
And
the best was saved for last:
ATTORNEY:
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY:
Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY:
Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY:
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY:
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:
I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Ignorance of the law excuses no man... from practicing it.
Adison Mizner
Love & Respect!
Follow me on twitter: @Maninja2
Find me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/donovan.white.16
Absolutely hilarious!!!!!
ReplyDeleteRight on brother
DeleteOMG! This had me in stitches! too funny!
ReplyDelete